On Continuing

April 15, 2014

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There’s something very permanent about the internet; computers are not my normal way of working and I’ve spent my life in a litter of notebooks. Pages that can be burned and screwed up and scratched out and painted over. This counts more. This is recorded. This can be shared. This is remembered. I’ve been reflecting a lot on this blog since my last post and I’ve decided to slightly change going forward. I don’t really know why I’m telling you this. At the moment I don’t really feel like my blog is in any way connected to me. I realise that sounds weird because it’s essentially a journal about my life but over the last couple of weeks I’ve been furiously writing and painting and I’ve not been going near my blog because it doesn’t spark my brain or interest me. It’s sort of a diary of what I do, but it doesn’t actually reflect what I am like or what I think. I feel like it’s the least personal of all my projects. My songs, concerts, poems and basically everything I’ve ever worked on have all had a massive, characteristic Laila-shaped stamp, and I feel like this blog is sort of the random excess left over after pouring all my creativity into everything else. It deserves better.

I’m not sure why this is. I think I started my blog to document everything that was going on for people who weren’t with me (such as my family, or friends who live far away) but I’ve never shared it with anybody in my life because I don’t feel like it’s an accurate representation of myself. I wonder if that seems strange to any other bloggers reading or if you have ever felt a similar sentiment? Last Friday I saw an old friend, who unbeknownst to me has been reading this blog (going so far as to show me the “new post e-mail” on his phone). His thoughts kind of summed up how I have been feeling about this blog for a while and have led us to this post today. I’m very private with my thoughts and I guess I’m subconsciously veiling them whilst simultaneously presenting my life. It makes for a fairly distorted lens. I’ve been contemplating returning to my mouldy notebooks, but maybe I’ll wait a little while before I retreat. I don’t want to keep this distance anymore. Maybe I’ll share my lyrics with you, or tell you what I dreamed about last night. I’ve done these things before, maybe I’ll just do more.

 

8 comments so far.

8 responses to “On Continuing”

  1. Renée G says:

    This is so insightful and I’m so grateful that you decided to share it. I have struggled to put some of these very same feelings into words.
    I tell myself that in the end, forms of expression are tools and how we use them will change often. The most important thing to me is tapping into as many resources as I can and it sounds like you’ve come to a conclusion of your own. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!

  2. Marieken says:

    Please do continue! I like seeing and reading about your museum visits, your sassy outfits and tagging along with you. I do feel the same about my blog too sometimes. It’s not exactly what I want it to be, but I think it’s a work in progress. And I am a big fan of paper too! Little notes, sending out postcards, scribbling ideas down, making little drawings. Paper rocks!

  3. Kim says:

    I kinda know what you mean I’ve felt like my blog doesn’t really represent me in some ways, I mainly started it to talk about my process on my creative projects and to have a way to promote my shop, but I have veered from that and blogged about whatever I’m excited about and while my drawings have taken me longer to produce and put in my shop. I’m glad I have this outlet. I enjoy reading about other people’s adventures and outlooks, I hope you can figure out where you are happiest and feel like most like yourself 🙂

  4. Jennie May says:

    I’ve taken a bit of an internet break recently and I’m so pleased that you have decided to continue. Your blog is easily one of my absolute favourites and I would miss your wonderful writing terribly. I know that with my own blog it had started to represent someone that wasn’t me, it was a part of me that I thought people would like and in the end I became really disheartened with the way it was going. So I’ve taken some time out and I hope I’m back on the right path now. Looking forward to catching up with the rest of your posts <3 xo

  5. Priya says:

    well I completely missed this the first time around, BUT: I think it is so important that you keep your blog what you like, since it is completely YOUR space! if that means less fashion (or loosing fashion altogether), I think that’s great! even if it means blogging once a month or week or taking time off…if anyone ever asks me for advice on blogging (which doesn’t really happen) I have to say- do what YOU like.

    just like you- I’ve been journaling forever and blogging seemed like the obvious next step. my journal and blog, and then my real life personality are all really different in aspects, and I think that’s totally ok. I could never really blog what I journal about, likewise I can’t really be over fashion-y in day to day life. that’s not really me.

    SO anyway, keep it up, if you like, and I’ll be following along. happy blogiversary (as they say), I love your awards idea. such a fun read. wish wish I could get some champagne with you in England!

    ♥ perfectly Priya

  6. […] always been interested in older, traditional methods (see here and here) and as I say, I’ve often been a bit wary of technology as it’s not something I […]

  7. […] On Continuing: for me this post was a turning point on my blog and it’s kind of a mission statement for what I write now. I was fed up with trying to fit into the blog world with fashion-related content that didn’t feel true to me. I thought if I just wrote what I wanted to then I would feel more authentic and maybe generate more of an audience. That didn’t quite happen, but I’m happier with my output and that’s all that matters. (Although I still don’t think this blog accurately represents me, as it barely showcases my “animated” facial expressions at all, which are basically my number one defining feature irl…) […]

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