Last weekend, Ryan & I filmed a super-long Q&A video for YouTube. All of the questions came from you guys. It was fun if surreal to film, but no fun to edit. I watch the footage back with no inkling at all of which parts are funny, or interesting, or relatable. I’m not even sure if I’m trying to make a video which is funny, or interesting, or relatable.
I think a lot of my issue with blogging/vlogging as a format is that unless you are really “out there”, your main selling point is your personality. Weirdly, you are entirely in control of how you present yourself and how you come across. You need to know who you are, what you’re about, and what your brand is. If it’s unclear, nobody will get it – you have to understand these things intimately. As an artist, I primarily make things that I can’t otherwise express, things that I don’t understand. I don’t have a lot of interest in the things I already know.
I know how me and Ryan interact, and it works fine, and therefore I have no interest in trying to document it. I’ve been forcing myself all week to review the footage and get the video together and it just sits there, the rock to my Sisyphus. I’m like this with everything. I have no diary record of happy days, no songs about perfect dates, no photos from enjoyable parties. If I understand it then I have further need to dwell on it.
On Friday, I took the morning off. The sun was shining. It was my first few hours off in over a week and I felt weirdly sad, even though that combination of things would normally make me happy. I went to the shops, bought ingredients and made pancakes. Spontaneously I decided to film parts of this endeavour. Immediately I could picture the framing of each shot, how I wanted the scenes to change, what the music would sound like. I sit here now uploading the video. It’s unlikely it will be of any popular interest (it’s certainly not #relatable) and I should be sorting out a video multiple people requested and contributed to.
My Aunt once told me not to do what you think the world needs you to, but to do what makes you come alive. Because what the world really needs is people who have come alive. And so, I present to you a video about the chocolate chip pancakes I made on Friday morning. Because in a tiny, singular gesture, this is the video I wanted to make, and the one that made me come alive. It’s of interest to me, and even if there is no broad appeal, I like it. And my own approval has always, and will always mean more to me than anyone’s else ever could.