You ever find it’s 2:30 on a Monday afternoon and you’ve finished your work so you spend the next ten hours drinking, baking and wrapping your Christmas presents? Cool, yeah, so, here we are the morning after and I’ve made you guys a recipe! You can actually watch most of this sorry tale on my Insta stories if you move fast enough, and if not, let’s just say there are more than a couple of empty bottles lining my recycling this morning and you’re not missing much on the video apart from me shrieking, dropping stuff on the floor, and throwing brandy around. Is there any other way to cook?
Now, God knows I loathe and despise any and all recipes (including using, writing or engaging with them in any way BECAUSE UGH WHY) and on any given day I will enthusiastically berate any fool with a cookbook or a set of scales. That said, you guys always request recipes, so consider this my Christmas gift to you, even if I did have to get very merry in order to concede to both writing down and creating a recipe. Alcohol optional, but very much encouraged.
2 heaped tablespoons of flaxseed plus 3 inches of melted coconut oil
200g of chocolate (ish. We used one large Easter egg)
50g ish of dried mulberries (or other festive dried fruit- cranberries would be good)
2 cups/200g plain flour
2tsp of baking powder
2 tbsp cinnamon
75g icing sugar/rice sugar
1 cup brown sugar/muscovado sugar/golden sugar/basically anything but white
Bicarbonate of soda (see how mine are very flat? Chuck this in to help it rise. I decided I couldn’t be arsed to go to the shops but if you want higher cookies add a tsp or so in)
Nuts (if you want but why)
Oatly cream (chuck in 2 tbsps if looks a bit dry)
Cinnamon Pretzels (half a cup to a cup)
Whisky (we added half a glass or so)
Mulled wine (about a glass)
Cherry brandy (at least a glass and a half)
Paracetamol + slice of plain bread (get ahead of the hangover!) (OBV JK don’t put that in)
First, sort out your egg replacement. I like flaxseed with 2-3 tbsps water – mix together and let it soak if you can be arsed (I couldn’t, but if I had done it would have risen better). As you’ll see on Insta, I substituted water for cherry brandy because I am living my best life. Swirl in your oil and mix! You could also use a mashed banana or two, or some applesauce, or one of those egg replacer things, in place of an egg. Obviously, don’t use an actual egg unless you are an actual psychopath (heads up this may not be the blog for you).
Next, add the rest of your wet ingredients, plus the mulberries and all the sugars, and mix together. It will look pretty paste-like at this point and that’s fine. Finally, add the chocolate, baking powder, flour, pretzels, whatever else you got lying around. I recommend that whatever alcohol you’re drinking at the time, pour a bit in for luck, and just see where life takes you. I also contemplated maple syrup or peanut-butter but ultimately I was getting bored of stirring – don’t be put off though and make sure that you do you, in any and all situations, including baking cookies. Finally, mix that shit good. Options here include a whisk (this will help with the non-flatness, but I couldn’t find ours), or an electric whisk for you millenials with dollah to spare.
If I’m honest we stopped at this point and ate about a quarter of the mixture, but depending on your self-restraint this is the point you scoop the mixture into balls and whack it into a Gas Mark 6 (180 fan) oven. Pour yourself a glass, give it 10 mins and then boom. Drunken vegan Christmas cookies! I recommend not being too near the oven when opening the door as you will be hit by a wall of fast-evaporating alcoholic fumes; one of life’s poorer highs. And that’s really it. Merry Christmas one and all. X
P.S. It’s possible, nay, certain, that at the time of writing I am still kind of tipsy. But don’t let that put you off.